We’re not just seeing missiles, drones and bombs being hurled at innocent civilians, but nasty language is being spouted like fire from a dragon’s mouth. The level of incivility from ‘civilised 1st world’ leaders is unbelievable. Just look at what President Trump said, “a whole civilisation will die tonight”, and we will bomb Iran “back to the Stone Ages.” He named his battles Operation Midnight Hammer and Operation Epic Fury. This incivility is poisoning the manners and morals of us all. How do we tackle such incivility?
Speak kindly to people
No matter how wonderful our marriage or friendships may be, disagreements and quarrels will always arise, simply because we are two people with differing tastes and temperaments; how could it be otherwise? So, how can you cool down when angry? Here are a few rules of calming anger, if you are standing, sit down, or go and wash your hands.
The Majestic Quran commands that we should be polite and courteous to everyone we speak to, “speak kindly to people” (Baqarah: 83). One of the names of Allah is “Haleem”, which means the gentle, easy-going and courteous. We know from the life of the Messenger (peace be upon him) that he was gentle and kind to people. He did not speak harshly or hurt people’s feelings. His policy was to win people’s hearts and minds with politeness and gentleness. The opposite of gentleness or civility is rudeness and being offensive.
Have you been rude?
Here is an example of someone highly educated and professional, but ended up being rude: Lord Robert Winston was a BBC presenter and a doctor, he made several documentaries on children’s development and psychology. He was travelling on a train from London to Manchester, and in the carriage was a lady who picked up her mobile and began a long and loud conversation, which lasted for an hour. Lord Winston was infuriated and began to tweet about this rowdy passenger. He took a picture of her and sent it to his 40,000 followers.
By the time he arrived at Piccadilly Station in Manchester, the press had picked up on his tweet and were waiting for him. A crowd of journalists approached the woman and informed her of Lord Robert’s messages. Her response was brief and pointed, just one word: “rude.”
This incident is just one small example of the short-tempered, confrontational behaviour that has become increasingly common in everyday life, from road rage and café brawls to workplace arguments and domestic disputes. Social media has only added fuel to the fire, amplifying conflicts that might once have stayed private and giving people a platform to escalate tensions with a single post. So the question is: can anything be done about it?
Responding without escalation
In my own experience, rudeness rarely ends with the person who starts it. If I’m rude to someone, they will almost always respond in kind and often go further, escalating a bad situation into something worse. The person on the receiving end feels wronged and, quite naturally, wants to retaliate. One harsh word leads to another, and before long, a minor irritation has turned into a full-blown confrontation.
So how do we break that cycle? The best approach is to stop it early. Take a breath, sit down, walk away, or splash cold water on your face, simple actions that create just enough distance between the emotion and the response. This is, in fact, exactly what the Messenger (peace be upon him) advised.
In Lord Winston’s case, had he calmly asked the woman to keep her voice down, the matter might have been resolved on the spot. Had he drawn on the warmth and charm he so readily displays on television, he might even have turned an awkward moment into a pleasant one. Instead, he let his frustration get the better of him, publicly shamed her, and she responded exactly as most people would, defensively and in kind. The lesson is simple, how we choose to react determines where the situation goes next.
So, what’s the solution?
The solution is often simpler than we think: stand up, address the behaviour calmly and courteously, point out what went wrong, and politely ask for a change. No aggression, no public shaming, just a quiet, dignified word. In the vast majority of cases, this approach works. The Messenger (peace be upon him) beautifully captured the essence of how we should treat one another: “A believer is the mirror of his fellow believer.” When you respond to rudeness with patience and grace, you are holding up a mirror, one that reflects gentleness back at someone who may have forgotten it. You are not matching their behaviour; you are showing them a better version of how an exchange can go. Here are a few practical tips on how to be that mirror:
- Think before you speak: Before reacting, pause and ask yourself a few honest questions. Is this person lashing out because they are stressed, worried, or afraid? Are you taking it personally because you are feeling insecure or undervalued at this moment? And is it possible you are misreading the situation, or blowing it out of proportion? Taking a moment to reflect before you respond can completely change the outcome. More often than not, difficult behaviour says more about the other person’s inner state than it does about you.
- Ask for what you need: There’s no shame in admitting that some days are harder than others. If your teenage son or daughter comes home late and you find yourself more anxious than usual, it is perfectly fine to say something like, “I know I might be overreacting, but I’ve had a really stressful day and I was worried about you.” That kind of openness and vulnerability, rather than anger, invites understanding rather than conflict, and in the long run, it strengthens the relationship far more than a heated argument ever could.
- Never threaten: When you issue a threat, even a mild one, you immediately put the other person on the defensive. Their focus shifts from understanding what you are saying to protecting themselves and at that point, the conversation is effectively over. Walls go up, emotions take over, and any chance of a calm, productive resolution goes out of the window. Threats may feel powerful in the heat of the moment, but they rarely achieve what you actually want.
- Ditch the baggage from the past: Constantly bringing up old grievances or reminding others of the favours you have done for them is one of the quickest ways to poison a relationship. It turns generosity into a debt, and nobody wants to feel as though they are forever in arrears. Making someone repeatedly prove their loyalty or gratitude is exhausting for them and ultimately destructive for both of you.
- Speak kindly and often: Whenever a good thought about your spouse crosses your mind, don’t keep it to yourself, say it. A small, sincere compliment or a quiet word of appreciation can mean far more than you realise. And when they respond warmly in return, receive it graciously rather than brushing it off. It is easy to forget how much our words shape the atmosphere of a relationship. Sharp, careless words can leave lasting wounds, long after the argument that caused them has been forgotten.
Conclusion
Civility does not maintain itself. Without conscious effort, rudeness has a way of quietly creeping into our everyday interactions, in the way we speak to a colleague, snap at a family member, or dismiss a stranger’s feelings without a second thought. It can become a habit before we even notice it has formed.
This is why constant vigilance matters. We must regularly check in with ourselves, reflect on how we are treating those around us, and make a deliberate choice to do better. The strategies outlined above are not complicated, but they do require commitment and practice. Over time, however, they become second nature and when enough people adopt them, the effect ripples outward, gradually fostering a culture of greater respect and understanding in our homes, our workplaces, and our communities.
Kindness, after all, is just as contagious as rudeness. The choice of which one we spread is entirely our own.
